So Much To Gain, But So Much To Lose
by AnnaFrancesca
Summary: When everyone you trust has been taken from you, can you trust again? Derek reflects on this as he realises the consequences of the choices he has made.


Despite seeking it out himself, silence was not was Derek wanted right now. Peace, yes. A chance to be away from everyone? Definitely. But not silence. Silence meant that he had no choice but to think, to go through everything in his head. Sure, using his super-awesome-wolfy senses meant that he could find something far away to concentrate on. The sounds of leaves shifting gently, the sound of small woodland creatures skittering about. It sounded like a loop, like the same sounds on repeat. He needed something to happen, to move his thoughts for a second. But nothing would. He was alone again. Derek was most comfortable being alone, nowadays. But that was when he had other things to concentrate on, like the pack.

His thoughts seemed to be screaming out to him, doing anything to combat the lack of sound, or even any change in any of his other senses. He couldn't help it, couldn't help the sense of panic creeping up on himself. His first reaction, when realising the reason for this, was to leave. Just... go. Only for a while, just to clear his head. But he couldn't do that; he was an Alpha. He had a pack, _his_ pack. So what was making him panic all of a sudden.

It was _him. _He couldn't... Derek didn't expect to get so close to some random, teenage boy that had no ties into his world at all. Not directly, at least. It was only through Scott, and the others, that Stiles was a part of this now. He was human, with nothing special about him, yet he'd seen and faced things that no one else would believe possible. And he'd connected to Derek in a way that he thought impossible.

And that, that was the problem. Everyone, every single person that had been close to Derek throughout his life, had been taken from him. His family were all there for him as he was growing up, and he was pretty happy. Getting close to anyone from outside had always been hard to do, considering the differences in their worlds, but that was okay. Because he loved his family. And he hadn't expected anything to change that. At least, not all at once.

It was her fault, he knew. Her fault for this happening to him. Not just the losing his family thing, as true as that was. It was her fault for the panic. The one person, _outside_ of his world, that he knew, that he connected to, that he loved – at least, that's how he believed he felt – was the person who brought it all crashing down. Derek hadn't known what it was like to feel betrayal. To have believed in someone for so long, and had that belief stripped away in just one instant.

That left him with Laura. His best friend, not just sister. His teacher, confidante. He lost most of his family, his life last night. But the most important person, then anchor that kept him going, was still there. Derek wasn't sure if he could have carried on without her.

But then she was gone too. She was gone, and there was nothing he could do. Apart from exact revenge. And find a new family.

But even that didn't work. The Alpha was out from day one; realistically, he couldn't be in a pack with a murderer. But, on finding it was his own uncle... that caused a shift. His family was not all gone, his life from before, not all forgotten. But then, he was betrayed again. Betrayed, because his own uncle killed the only thing that had mattered to Derek in the last six years. The person he had just learned to trust, despite his actions, ripping his reality down again. Because Derek wasn't allowed anyone to trust. He wasn't allowed to be close to anyone now, was he?

Even Scott rejected him. They needed each other, not just to kill Peter, but for themselves – Scott needed guidance, a person to help him discover what he was becoming, and Derek needed – Derek needed family. Someone to make it feel like having a family, a whole pack alongside him wasn't that long ago. Derek was willing to trust Scott. Scott wouldn't trust Derek. Even if he helped him, there was little trust there. And then there was Scott's friend. That nerdy little human, who always seemed to be there right when shit was going down. Who always helped when help was needed, even when it threatened his life. Despite discussing outright not trusting each other, they did. They trusted each other with their lives, in some unspoken agreement. Maybe, it was because they knew they had something in common. They both knew how it felt to lose someone close to them, they knew the panic they felt when they couldn't go on. They hadn't been close to many people, always feeling the need to distance themselves to anyone else – maybe from fear of losing more people? Though their behaviour showed that they didn't always get along – heck, they didn't even seen to like each other at times – they still trusted each other, respected each other.

Derek got his revenge eventually, and killed the last remaining survivor or his family. The guilt that he thought would come never did; it was more closure, than anything. That chapter of the Hale family history had ended, it and it came the acceptance. The acceptance, of being the only one left, and the acceptance that it was time to move on.

So he made a new family. A family, that he hoped wouldn't desert each other. Wouldn't betray each other, because they had everything to lose. Each of his new recruits had felt the loneliness that Derek had. They didn't have the sense of family that everyone expected to have. But they needed it. And like Stiles helped him when he needed it, albeit in a very different way, he helped them, he was there for them. Maybe he didn't go the right way about it all; handling Isaac in a way that may have reminded him of his earlier life, or taking advantage of Erica's advances, just to have that feeling of closeness for a few seconds. But he still gave them – gave himself a new life, and it was what he needed. But he refrained from getting as close to them as he should have. They let him into their lives whole heartedly, and he was proud of them. But he couldn't do it; he couldn't be as close to them as he was with Laura or Kate. Losing a family was devastating, yes. But losing a part of yourself? Because that's what both women had been to him, albeit in different ways. And he couldn't do that again.

That was why Derek was panicking. Because he had. He trusted the pack with his life, with his body. But not his mind, his emotions.

But hanging with the pack meant hanging with Stiles. When the pack were on a mission, or a training exercise – Scott included; he was at least an honorary member of the pack now. But it was too dangerous for Stiles to. Sure, he'd got himself out of situations before. But the fact that he showed that he cared for the pack, that he tried to protect them himself made them care for him more, and in turn made them more protective of them himself. So he'd stay back occasionally, maybe discussing a few plans of action with Derek, a few ideas. But mostly it was just waiting. When his dad worked all day, and Scott was out on missions, Stiles didn't exactly have many people to talk to. Talking to Allison was dangerous business these days, and, well Lydia didn't exactly want much to do with them anymore. So he'd stay at Derek's house, waiting for Scott. Derek would rarely make conversation when they had no plans to discuss, and Stiles did not like silences, awkward or otherwise. So he'd babble. It was endearing, really. It was normal, and it was almost kind of comforting. So he'd talking, while Derek listened. It was about random, unimportant things, really. Until one time, Stiles slipped up. He hadn't meant to, but he did. He was reminiscing about something in his childhood, some comforting thing that he'd occasionally remember now. And that lead to some point where he mentioned his mom. It was nothing much, just a brief thought that trailed off in silence.

Derek knew that silence.

It was saturated with feelings of loss, and pain. Longing and disappointment. Loneliness and helplessness.

The conversation didn't carry on between them; the silence washed against them until the return of the pack. But through that silence, they connected. Maybe it was just from having each other's company in a time of reflection, or sharing the same emotions while just being around each other. Whatever it was, things changed between them. And from that, he learned to relax, just a little. He didn't keep himself so guarded, so removed from everyone. He was learning to trust, to let them in emotionally, even if he didn't show it much.

It was a while after then, in an attack from a rival pack, that Derek realised how much exactly had changed – how much he cared. There was always the rush to save any of the pack when they were in danger, the worry for their lives as they defended each other. But this, this was different. Derek hadn't felt panic like this for a long time. It was like that moment that they said happens, where your life flashes in front of your eyes when you think you're about to die. That's what it seemed like – his new life, a jumble of images accompanied the panic, like he felt like he was about to lose them all in just an instant. Except, it wasn't his life that was in danger. It was Stiles'.

Though it ended in everyone being fine, except for the odd few bruises and scratches, Derek couldn't help but feel off. The sense of relief was amazing, once Stiles was back and safe. But after everything was done, when everyone was back home safe, and Derek was alone once again, that was when the panic came back. Because the one person he had let back in, emotionally, was almost taken from him again. Memories were attacking him, forcing him to remember the last times, to feel the loss again that had nearly destroyed him.

He'd let someone in, and he had nearly last them, yet again. Derek wasn't sure if he could survive it another time.

That's when he realised that maybe, just maybe, letting someone in again was a mistake.


End file.
